When we cultivate a sense of inner security, it’s much easier for our relationships, adventures, and sexual discoveries to become far more satisfying and leave us with both fulfillment and renewed desire.
Our entire body, and especially our genitals, certainly open and contract in response to the relationship we’re experiencing. In nourishing relationships and situations, our bodies more readily experience pleasure, arousal, and desire. However, when the situations aren’t ideal, we may encounter pain, stiffness, numbness or agitation. It is important to remember that “relationship” doesn’t only refer to our connection with another person, but also encompasses the relationship we have with ourselves. Unfortunately, we’re often the ones who treat our bodies with indifference or even cruelty. This pattern can be particularly complex when we consider traumatic past experiences or significant events that may have shaped how we feel about our bodies and sexuality.
When we explore our motivations for intimacy, we discover a complex array of internal drives at play.
Far too often, I’ve heard women say things like “I’m frigid“, “I’m incapable of experiencing pleasure”, or “I’m just not good enough“. Yet time and again, I have discovered that these same women are actually deeply sensual and perfectly capable of experiencing profound pleasure.
The tragedy is that believing we’re incapable of feeling or that we are somehow inadequate – especially when these thoughts persist over time – causes a pain that is not easily healed.
A Question of Trust
The key lies in rediscovering self-confidence and reclaiming our sense of power, dignity, and the ability to both give and receive pleasure. This is a profound journey that extends far beyond methods, exercises, or discovering new sex toys.
Perhaps your friends or women’s magazines have told you to try this or that technique, that you need to learn how to please your partner, how to please yourself. Maybe you’ve even tried, only to find that perceived failure deepened your sense of inadequacy.
What do we really want?
This question deserves our attention before we start wondering how many types of orgasms we could add to our repertoire. Too often we want to spice things up even before we’re even clear about whether we prefer sweet, salty, or spicy flavors.
I often hear the word “transgression” when couples discuss renewing their sexuality, yet often I discover that the foundation is missing entirely. There’s no trust, no genuine communication, no real understanding between partners.
Our sexual experiences often mirror our developmental journey. Perhaps your parents – either explicitly or through subtle messages – taught you that sex was something to fear or feel ashamed about. Or maybe you grew up in an environment where sexuality was overly casual or promiscuous, leaving you without healthy boundaries to guide you.
Each of these early experiences shapes how we approach intimacy as adults, influencing whether we feel safe enough to truly open ourselves to pleasure.
It often starts long ago
Even before those parental messages, our early childhood experiences create embodied expectations about what is considered normal, and what isn’t in sexuality.
Often our struggle to find safe sexual experiences traces back to a hidden developmental history of emotional neglect.
When we haven’t received the consistent, attuned care needed for healthy development, we may later struggle with self-care and self-regulation. In sexual relationships, this can manifest as self-denial and fear of our needs, or it might lead us toward unhealthy outlets – seeking validation through infidelity, engaging in risky sexual behaviours, or developing addictions.
What’s often overlooked in conversations about sexuality is the great importance of connecting with our authentic desires. We rarely pause to ask ourselves: ”What do I actually want? What do I need to feel emotionally and physically safe enough and comfortable to be intimate”?
We live in a culture obsessed with action and achievement. Do this, try that, learn this technique, master that. This constant pressure creates a persistent mindset that we are somehow the cause of our own discomfort, that we are never doing enough, that we are never being enough. It convinces us that we need something external to fix or improve our lives.
But if the answer is not about doing more, but rather about understanding and honoring what we already carry within us?
Let’s slow down
To open a space for us to feel more at ease in intimacy, both emotionally and physically, and indeed in everyday life, the invitation is simply to be, rather than constantly do.
Slowing down is where we begin cultivating an authentic relationship with our sexuality.
When we allow ourselves to slow down, we create space to actually feel our body’s natural responses. In this slower rhythm, that urgent need to perform and achieve diminishes, allowing us to release unrealistic expectations and discover something entirely new within ourselves. Fertile ground that feels far more real than anything we’ve left behind.
So for me, a healthy sexual encounter involves a sense of ease and safety. It involves a genuine connection to our desires, it involves conscious touch, and it involves presence. It means creating space to recognize and honor what feel like “enough”, rather than constantly rushing toward the next step or looking ahead. There is profound beauty in savoring the present moment.
Only then can we begin to add other ingredients.
When we feel safe, comfortable, and at ease, any proposal no longer scares us. We can meet new proposals with curiosity, knowing we are free to decline without being labeled as frigid, closed-off or boring. We can choose to explore through fantasy, embracing the emotions, doubts, or resistances that arise. And finally, if we decide we want to experience something, we can do so without any obligation to continue if discomfort emerges along the way.
We explore from a place of safety and choice.
Conclusions
Sex, like life itself, can never be perfect. But it can be experienced with all the depth it offer, perceived as something that makes us feel more vibrantly alive and creates opportunities to access states of immense pleasure, profound connection and beautiful vulnerability.
If something in these words has resonated with you, but you are unsure where to begin, consider journaling a bit about what makes you feel emotionally and physically safe.
There is no rush, no timeline, no expectation of immediate transformation.
We all begin somewhere.
And if you feel you would like to share your letter with me I would love to read it and support you with the next steps.
I’m here for you.
If you decide to move forward and feel you need support, you can contact me and I will be happy to guide you on this extraordinary journey.