In my decade of work with sexuality, I have encountered an increasing number of people who have experienced various types of violence or abuse: it might have been physical or psychological, sexual or not, suffered during a developmental phase or in the present.
At a certain point, I felt compelled to prioritize my mission to spread and strengthen the culture of consent and to support women in moving from a feeling of powerlessness to one of sovereignty (personal power).
Since I first wrote this article, many things have changed: there is much more talk about consent, there is more attention to issues related to power dynamics, there is much more information; however, we are still far from being able to state that the concept of consent has become an integral part of our daily lives.
Below is the original article, enriched with new observations.
Over the years, working with people, I have discovered that saying “no” can be a real challenge for many. When our ability to observe reality and our rationality are lacking, emotions like fear take over and govern us. Becoming conscious of being able to say “no” is instead essential for an authentic and free life. Because it is precisely the awareness of “no” that gives greater emphasis and conviction to our “yes.”
I understand that it may seem paradoxical, but it is not. Let’s see why.
As social creatures, we need to be accepted and loved; it is essential. However, sometimes we can be so focused on wanting to please the other person that we act in a way that neglects ourselves. We do this very often simply because we don’t want to hurt or disappoint the other person. The moment we override ourselves and our will for the benefit of the other, we find ourselves, in the best case scenario, both in a vicious cycle of disappointment and dissatisfaction, and in the worst case, in one of abuse.
Honoring Ourselves
When we aim to please the other through a “yes” (while feeling a “no” inside), we are ignoring ourselves and our own needs. Let’s ask ourselves at this point: what is the most lasting, most important relationship in our life—the one with ourselves or the one with the other? With whom and for whom do we truly want to commit?
How many times have we consented to something just to avoid displeasing the person asking us or to “not be rude”? How would it have been to honor our own feelings? How different would the experience have been if we had truly been able to express our truth by putting ourselves first?
So What Exactly Is Consent?
Consent is the real ability to choose, it is a continuous process of seeing and evaluating all possible options and acting freely accordingly.
It means:
- being able to know and feel what we want and what we don’t,
- having enough information to be able to decide,
- managing to communicate it to our partner.
It is based on our personal intimate sensations: practicing consent therefore requires a deep connection with them.
It means observing and welcoming the difficulty of saying “yes” to one thing and “no” to another, and feeling free to change our mind at any moment.
Communicating these choices does not mean ignoring the feelings of others: it means being able to affirm what we want, just as other people have the same right over themselves. This must absolutely not be confused with selfishness.
In the same way, it involves paying attention to how the other person feels: asking, listening, and respecting the answer.
Consent Must Be Clear
Assumptions cannot be made about what the other person feels: the only way to know for sure is to ask and pay attention to whether an affirmative answer has been given. If any doubt remains, it means we do not have consent.
Consent Must Be Explicit
It is not just the absence of a “no,” but it should be an enthusiastic “yes.” Until recently, the absence of a “no” was equated with consent (think of the saying, “silence implies consent”). Nowadays, sexual consent must go beyond this: it is not simply a lack of disagreement (the person who is silent is simply choosing silence), but a voluntary agreement. If it is unclear, said reluctantly, or forced, it is not consent.
Consent Must Be Equal
Practicing consent requires close attention to power imbalances: the line between consent and coercion becomes much less clear and distinct when the people involved are not in an equal dynamic. This is particularly true in situations of narcissistic abuse.
It is therefore important for everyone to learn what consent is from a young age, because knowing how to give and receive consent is one of the most practical and immediate tools in preventing sexual violence and challenging rape culture.
Consent and Sexuality
If expressing consent in everyday contexts can be difficult, placing it within a sexual context tends to create even greater discomfort. This is due both to the “stigma” (imprint) that society has placed on sexuality, and to the lack of skills in setting boundaries in romantic and sexual relationships.
Often, survival needs and instincts (especially for women) come into play when it comes to sex. Survival instincts reside in the unconscious, but the ability to decide consensually implies having access to consciousness. It therefore becomes complicated to observe which parts of us say yes and which say no when these instincts and needs take possession of our body.
It is necessary to learn to be conscious of how our body reacts to people, to recognize when decisions come from a place of authentic choice, rather than from fears or conditioning.
People who live or have lived in a condition of acute stress, abuse, violence, or trauma have a reduced capacity to remain within the window of tolerance. This implies that their ability to make a conscious decision is significantly diminished: therefore, in order to give consent and make an authentic choice, it is fundamental to remain within that state.
The classic example might be having an apparently consensual relationship, and later perceiving a feeling of uncertainty, of doubt as to whether it was actually a desired and conscious action or whether we yielded because we were already involved in a situation where it would have been “strange” to say no.
As mentioned above, for a relationship to be defined as consensual, it cannot be a lack of a “no” or, worse, a silence interpreted as a “yes,” but a convinced and enthusiastic “yes.”
This change, which is somewhat epochal, allows for a further step forward: teaching consent from a “sex-positive” perspective. Stimulating young people to discover, decide, and communicate what they desire (positive pole) in a sexual relationship and not only what they do not desire (negative pole).
Teaching consent from the positive perspective of sex not only encourages us to make informed decisions about our body and truly desired experiences, but also makes us stronger in avoiding unwanted sexual experiences or, worse, coercion.
Sex education can promote a culture where we learn to respect all forms of “no” but also, and above all, to enjoy all forms of “yes.” A revolution.